Your deck sucks (review request thread)

[Igzex]

Alright I finally put together my Lulu deck. Now how badly can one roast a deck that roasts itself? :3c

[duducrash]

@pokken , I post too much about my deck that nobody cares about. Maybe knowing it sucks will help me not oversharing it. This could be public service at the end

viewtopic.php?t=36316

[pokken]

You in the queue. I'll get to these when I get to them. They're not going to suck any less between now and then.

[BaronCappuccino]

Just brewed and purchased a new deck, because my prior deck wasn't suitable competition for any but the most novelty of theme decks. I'm keeping it, but I don't really consider it a Magic deck, but something more akin to a format spinoff with extensive use of outside game pieces like the Ixalan boardgame or Planechase. It's a glorified party favor. I needed something more like an actual Commander deck. I put together this. It wants to swing a turn early with a 10/10+ commander that goads every opponents' creatures. Its solution to removal is more ramp and doing it again. It's got a whole lot of stuff to do more damage, but everything that matters is in the zone. Have fun. It's not the submission of a thinking man.

Baeloth Barrityl//Raised by Giants

[benjameenbear]

This is genius @pokken. That is all. My decks are obviously too good to roast, so I obviously won't condescend to submit them for your review.

[3drinks]

This is genius @pokken. That is all. My decks are obviously too good to roast, so I obviously won't condescend to submit them for your review.

Pokken, do this guy's Kaalia. You already did mine, we gotta roast this primer too.

[pokken]

This is genius @pokken. That is all. My decks are obviously too good to roast, so I obviously won't condescend to submit them for your review.

Pokken, do this guy's Kaalia. You already did mine, we gotta roast this primer too.

I need a signed waiver of rights before proceeding.

[benjameenbear]

This is genius @pokken. That is all. My decks are obviously too good to roast, so I obviously won't condescend to submit them for your review.

Pokken, do this guy's Kaalia. You already did mine, we gotta roast this primer too.

I need a signed waiver of rights before proceeding.

The only thing that'll be roasted when you read my Kaalia Primer? Your hopes and dreams and perspective on what constitutes good deck-building. Banter aside, feel free to add my list to the queue lol.

[Gentle Giant]

Pokken, you a gamblin' type a guy? Then have a gander at my Averna list

[pokken]

Thank you for all of this @pokken

Okay, if you dare:

It's a 50% MTGO tribal casual deck that should be more about themes and synergy than winning or losing (scary General not withstanding):

(yada yada yada hydra crap decklist photo)

This deck sucks so badly it broke the quote button and I had to just subquote it. So this deck is 5 color proliferate. *yawn* With creatures that start with +1/+1 counters on them mostly. Genius powers.

Before we dive into this deck I need to talk about Oko, the Trickster. I get that this is a tribal theme deck for lower power levels, but Oko is notably not a hydra. Oko is also really %$#% in a format where planeswalkers have a pretty high barrier to entry. Now here's the funniest thing about Oko: About half of the things in the deck are complete nonbos with Oko's 0 ability. Hydras are mostly 0/0s and copying them is...not very good. Copying, in case anyone is new to magic, does not copy counters. Planeswalker loyalty counters, also, are not +1/+1 counters. So what is this card for? Does it copy Progenitus hmm, waitaminute, he's legendary.

I think the secret tech here is to use Oko, the Trickster to copy Phytohydra so that...oh %$#%, that is another nonbo.

So as near as I can tell Oko's utility here is being a 6 mana source of repeated +1/+1 counters and never, ever, ever ultimatting. If a card is worse than a 41st land, that's a sign that something is rotten in Hydrabad.

Moving on to the actual deck construction, well, we have a completely typical 5c proliferate pile of cards, and then hydras. The Everflowing Chalice and Iceberg and City of Shadows and Saprazzan Cove and so on.

What confuses me about this is the submitter is clearly willing to play some decent cards (see Contagion Engine) and saw fit to play Fungal Reaches but somehow missed...all the other lands in the Reaches cycle (Dreadship Reef and Saltcrusted Steppe and so on. Why do we play Saprazzan Cove but not the strictly better Dreadship Reef? Whyyyyy?) It appears that this deck's manabase was constructed using the "%$#% I had laying around" method. Not playing the other green one at the minimum is an absolute unforgivable nonsense move.

In the card draw and interaction slots we also have "cards with the word proliferate on them," which is pretty innovative for 5c proliferate with hydras (already an innovation). But we play Cavern of Souls to make sure our hydras are uncounterable in our 50% garbage tier deck (let's not lie, this deck is more like a 4% deck. if it lost to a precon I would not be surprised). But not Dreadship Reef. and Mage-Ring Network because colorless mana helps a ton with casting Progenitus.

There is a surprising amount of interaction buried in the creatures like Apocalypse Hydra and Gargos, Vicious Watcher and such, but all things considered this is basically a pile of hydras with very few ways to get damage through, stupid tribal gimmicks and a pile of cards assembled by telling EDHrec you're playing a proliferate deck. Booooring.

I like a few cards in this deck; Hydra Broodmaster is a seriously underplayed card. It's great even in big mana green decks, it just generates an unreal amount of damage. My buddy had an Omnath, Locus of Mana deck that was mostly hydra tribal for a while and he got us really good with that card a bunch.

Mana Cache is a really cool tool to get people to tap out and has a lot of neat synergy with the deck. I like it.

But as always I am left with more questions than answers when I look at a deck like this. I can never quite understand what prompts certain choices; we have some serious beefcake hydras, a pretty efficient proliferate package. And then we have Wheel of Sun and Moon and Elixir of Immortality and Red Sun's Zenith.

These cards are just so confusing, non-synergistic, trash, and did I say confusing? I get that back in 1845 when Abraham Lincoln invented Elder Dragon Railroad we all played Elixir of Immortality to defeat mill, but, what the actual %$#%?

This deck sucks. I am instituting a ban on proliferate decks from now on. If your deck has Astral Cornucopia in it or should, please gtfo.

[Treamayne]

Danke Mucho. Did I win the confuse/break Pokken contest?

I'll see if I can answer some of those questions; not that you care.

I think the secret tech here is to use Oko, the Trickster to copy Phytohydra so that...oh %$#%, that is another nonbo.

You are right, he's there as an off-beat choice for getting counters on the hydrae that don't enter with counters natively - and, of course, to be proliferated over the Ult because a 10/10 with lots of counter > a 0/0 with lots of counters. He' s also there to draw fire (and laughs) from the people that freak da f$%^ out when I say I'm casting Oko.*

Why do we play Saprazzan Cove but not the strictly better Dreadship Reef? Whyyyyy?

Well, that's easy. . . because DR is not strictly better**. Actually, I replaced Saltcrusted Steppe and Calciform Pools with Rushwood Grove and Saprazzan Cove fairly recently. I have found some (*cough*stax*cough*griefer*cough*) situations where being able to add counters without spending 1 to do so mattered. When/If we ever get a Simic version of Fungal Reaches , it will totally replace the Cove though. The eye scrunch when people see me playing such a bad land is just icing on the brownie.

Mage-Ring Network because colorless mana helps a ton with casting Progenitus.

If I have to cast Progenitus, something has gone very very wrong. I obviously want to plan to be able to cast the big guy, but that's totally Plan F***.

telling EDHrec

This deck has been built since Progenitus was released (updated approx every 12-15 months). EDHRec didn't exist, and even if it had I would not have gone there - because I have never gone to that site, and hope to never have to do so.

And then we have Wheel of Sun and Moon and Elixir of Immortality and Red Sun's Zenith.

These cards are just so confusing, non-synergistic, trash, and did I say confusing? I get that back in 1845 when Abraham Lincoln invented Elder Dragon Railroad we all played Elixir of Immortality to defeat mill,

The short answer is: most of these includes are responses to being on MTGO, without a playgroup, and lots of random match-ups.
Wheel of Sun and Moon - Pet card, no excuse needed
Elixir of Immortality - so sick of being "collateral damage" to bad GY hate (nothing to do with mill)
Red Sun's Zenith - experiments in finding synergies with Unbound Flourishing

please gtfo

And. . . I'm out

*They rarely realize there is more than one, and don't bother asking for clarification.

** By definition, "Strictly Better" means all aspects are either identical or improved (e.g. Doom Blade is strictly better than Ghostly Visit; but Wrath of God is not strictly better than Rout)

*** Plan Fail, you schmuck

[pokken]

Danke Mucho. Did I win the confuse/break Pokken contest?

I'll see if I can answer some of those questions; not that you care.

I think the secret tech here is to use Oko, the Trickster to copy Phytohydra so that...oh %$#%, that is another nonbo.

You are right, he's there as an off-beat choice for getting counters on the hydrae that don't enter with counters natively - and, of course, to be proliferated over the Ult because a 10/10 with lots of counter > a 0/0 with lots of counters. He' s also there to draw fire (and laughs) from the people that freak da f$%^ out when I say I'm casting Oko.*

Why do we play Saprazzan Cove but not the strictly better Dreadship Reef? Whyyyyy?

Well, that's easy. . . because DR is not strictly better**. Actually, I replaced Saltcrusted Steppe and Calciform Pools with Rushwood Grove and Saprazzan Cove fairly recently. I have found some (*cough*stax*cough*griefer*cough*) situations where being able to add counters without spending 1 to do so mattered. When/If we ever get a Simic version of Fungal Reaches , it will totally replace the Cove though. The eye scrunch when people see me playing such a bad land is just icing on the brownie.

Mage-Ring Network because colorless mana helps a ton with casting Progenitus.

If I have to cast Progenitus, something has gone very very wrong. I obviously want to plan to be able to cast the big guy, but that's totally Plan F***.

telling EDHrec

This deck has been built since Progenitus was released (updated approx every 12-15 months). EDHRec didn't exist, and even if it had I would not have gone there - because I have never gone to that site, and hope to never have to do so.

And then we have Wheel of Sun and Moon and Elixir of Immortality and Red Sun's Zenith.

These cards are just so confusing, non-synergistic, trash, and did I say confusing? I get that back in 1845 when Abraham Lincoln invented Elder Dragon Railroad we all played Elixir of Immortality to defeat mill,

The short answer is: most of these includes are responses to being on MTGO, without a playgroup, and lots of random match-ups.
Wheel of Sun and Moon - Pet card, no excuse needed
Elixir of Immortality - so sick of being "collateral damage" to bad GY hate (nothing to do with mill)
Red Sun's Zenith - experiments in finding synergies with Unbound Flourishing

please gtfo

And. . . I'm out

*They rarely realize there is more than one, and don't bother asking for clarification.

** By definition, "Strictly Better" means all aspects are either identical or improved (e.g. Doom Blade is strictly better than Ghostly Visit; but Wrath of God is not strictly better than Rout)

*** Plan Fail, you schmuck

Side note: I will probably be on a 1-2 if these a week cadence going forward. It consumes my tickets. I like doing it and will continue to do so as I want to.

[Chromaticus]

Requesting a roast for the Volo, Itinerant Scholar + Popular Entertainer deck we've been brewing together.

I really like where I've wound up - but I'm interested to see your take on it, especially with the restrictions I brought up throughout the process.

[link]https://www.moxfield.com/decks/X2FkMX0Dk0WiWq3XfVtnDw[/link]

P.S. If you want a laugh, take a look at the list I had brewed before your haste enabler idea:

[link]https://www.moxfield.com/decks/4r58ZBePAk2wEZwqwp8rDg[/link]

[pokken]

I'll try to get to this. I feel like I may have roasted all I have to roast but will try

[3drinks]

I'll try to get to this. I feel like I may have roasted all I have to roast but will try

If you haven't written a roast like like Jeff Ross, have you even reached your peak?