Creature keyword ability Stun

[silver_skeleton]

Once upon a time* I swore to the cardboard goddess that I'm going to design a creature keyword ability that could potentially be an evergreen ability for each two color combination. This is my attempt at the ability.
(* recently)

Now this color combination has access to the most abundant creature ability, flying, so maybe it doesn't even need one. But the fact that flying is used so much, another evergreen ability would be beneficial in my opinion, so I'm going to try anyway. Flash is evergreen, too, but it's not used that much in white (standard legal commons have 0 white creatures with flash among them).

It's a variant of the Orochi Ranger ability, an ability that has been used in fan designs with the name Stun since the Kamigawa block.

Apparently, Wizards considers the Orochi Ranger ability problematic in larger numbers, so I set out to find a variant that gives the opponent some control.

Stun (A creature dealt damage by this creature becomes tapped and doesn't untap during its controller's next untap step unless he or she untaps an untapped creature he or she controls.)

Regarding rules, I don't know if choosing to tap/untap during the untap step works, or if this would need an upkeep trigger. Multiple instances of Stun on a creature shouldn't trigger an upkeep trigger multiple times, as it grafts an effect onto the damage dealt. But it would be less elegant.

So what do you think about this variation of Stun? Is it enough of a drawback to be able to show up in larger numbers on commons and uncommons?

[user_938036]

Your wording doesn't make sense. "unless he or she untaps an untapped creature" is this supposed to be taps an untapped creature? If not I don't even know what you think the ability does.

Assuming it's tap, so it lets you trade off who was "stuned". That is a very strange flavor and I'm not certain it solves the problem of having lots of this effect. At the minimum it plays into things to color already does.

Overall I don't think an ability that exclusively works on creatures surviving combat would be very fun or useful to the point of being evergreen.

[void_nothing]

Your wording doesn't make sense. "unless he or she untaps an untapped creature" is this supposed to be taps an untapped creature? If not I don't even know what you think the ability does.

Assuming it's tap, so it lets you trade off who was "stuned". That is a very strange flavor and I'm not certain it solves the problem of having lots of this effect. At the minimum it plays into things to color already does.

Overall I don't think an ability that exclusively works on creatures surviving combat would be very fun or useful to the point of being evergreen.

I have to thoroughly agree on all these points and add more - this is just a much worse deathtouch.

[OneAndOnly]

I was thinking detain, myself.