Adorable Kitten
When this creature enters the battlefield, roll a six-sided die. You gain life equal to the result.
AWOL
Exile target attacking creature. Then remove it from the game. Then put it into the absolutely-removed-from-the-freaking-game-forever zone.
Emcee
Whenever another creature enters the battlefield, you may stand up and say in a deep, booming voice, "Presenting . . . " and that creature's name. If you do, put a +1/+1 counter on that creature.
The ogre appealed the match loss and got it downgraded to a warning.
Flavor Judge
{T}: Choose target spell or ability that targets a permanent you control. Then ask a person outside the game if the story of what will happen makes sense. If they say no, sacrifice Flavor Judge and counter that spell or ability.
"...and now they're trying to make a brick wall on my property fight a dinosaur to the death."
Frankie Peanuts
At the beginning of your upkeep, you may ask target player a yes-or-no question. If you do, that player answers the question truthfully and abides by that answer if able until end of turn.
Don't cross him or you'll end up sleeping with the merfolk.
GO TO JAIL
When GO TO JAIL enters the battlefield, exile target creature an opponent controls until GO TO JAIL leaves the battlefield.
At the beginning of the upkeep of the exiled card's owner, that player rolls two six-sided dice. If they roll doubles, sacrifice GO TO JAIL.
Humming-
Flying
Whenever you attack with two or more creatures,
Augment {3}{W} ({3}{W}, Reveal this card from your hand: Combine it with target host. Augment only as a sorcery.)
Knight of the Hokey Pokey
First strike
{1}{W}, Do the Hokey Pokey: Prevent all damage a source of your choice would deal to Knight of the Hokey Pokey this turn. (To do the Hokey Pokey, choose an arm, a leg, or your whole self and put it in. Put it out. Put it in. Shake it all about. You do the Hokey Pokey! Turn yourself around.)
That's what it's all about.
Look at Me, I'm R&D
As Look at Me, I'm R&D comes into play, choose a number and a second number one higher or one lower than that number.
All instances of the first chosen number on permanents, spells, and cards in any zone are the second chosen number.
Look at Me, I'm the DCI
Ban a card other than a basic land card for the rest of the match. (All cards with that name in any zone or sideboard are removed from the match.)
Few understand the DCI's rigorous decision-making process.
Old Guard
{W}, {T}: Tap target creature without reminder text. (Reminder text is still any italicized text in parentheses that explains rules you already know.)
"You say you're capable of flying. You got any proof of that?"
Ordinary Pony
When this creature enters the battlefield, you may exile target non-Horse creature you control that wasn't put onto the battlefield with this ability this turn, then return it to the battlefield under its owner's control.
Staying Power
"Until end of turn" and "this turn" effects don't end.
Mongo's fleas no longer bothered him. But the family of goblins that had moved in behind his left ear was starting to get really irritating.
Strutting Turkey
When this creature enters the battlefield,
exile target creature card with mana value 2 or less from your graveyard. If it has augment, combine it with a host you control. Otherwise, put it onto the battlefield.
Syr Cadian, Knight Owl
Knightlifelink (Damage dealt by Knights you control also causes you to gain that much life.)
{W}: Syr Cadian, Knight Owl gains vigilance until end of turn. Activate only from sunrise to sunset.
{B}: Syr Cadian, Knight Owl gains flying until end of turn. Activate only from sunset to sunrise.
Alexander Clamilton
Whenever you cast a wordy spell, scry 2. (A spell is wordy if it has four or more lines of rules text.)
{1}{R}, {T}: Choose target creature you don't control. Reveal the top card of your library. Alexander Clamilton gets +X/+0 until end of turn, where X is the number of lines of rules text of the revealed card. Alexander Clamilton fights that creature.
Avatar of Me
This spell costs {1} more to cast for each ten years you've been alive.
Avatar of Me's power is equal to your height in feet and its toughness is equal to your American shoe size. Round to the nearest ½.
Avatar of Me is the color of your eyes.
B.O.B. (Bevy of Beebles)
As B.O.B. enters the battlefield, create four 1/1 blue Beeble creature tokens.
The number of loyalty counters on B.O.B. is equal to the number of Beebles you control. (Create or sacrifice Beebles whenever B.O.B. gains or loses loyalty.)
+1: Up to X target Beebles can't be blocked this turn, where X is the number of cards in your hand.
−1: Draw a card.
Carnivorous Death-Parrot
Flying
At the beginning of your upkeep, sacrifice Carnivorous Death-Parrot unless you say its flavor text.
Save a kill spell to deal with this guy.
Cheatyface
If Cheatyface is in your hand, you may sneak Cheatyface onto the battlefield. If an opponent catches you right away, that player may exile Cheatyface.
Flying
Chicken à la King
Whenever a 6 is rolled on a six-sided die, put a +1/+1 counter on each Bird. (You may roll dice only when instructed to.)
Tap an untapped Bird you control: Roll a six-sided die. (Like now.)
During the Chicken Revolution, the king managed to keep his head while the others—well, just ran around.
Common Courtesy
Whenever a player casts a spell without asking your permission while casting it, counter that spell.
When a player asks you permission to cast a spell and you refuse, counter that spell and sacrifice Common Courtesy.
"You didn't say the Magic word."
Johnny, Combo Player
{4}: Search your library for a card, put that card into your hand, then shuffle.
"Just wait till I get my Krark-Clan Ironworks, Genesis Chamber, and Grinding Station. Oh yeah, and a second Myr Retriever."
Magic Word
Enchant creature
As Magic Word enters the battlefield, choose a word.
Whisper the chosen word: Tap enchanted creature.
Mer Man
When this creature enters the battlefield, you may draw a card.
Richard Garfield, Ph.D.
You may play cards as though they were other cards of your choice with the same mana cost. You can't choose the same card twice. (Mana cost includes color.)
And yea he doth spake: "Let there be Magic."
Rings a Bell
As Rings a Bell enters the battlefield, choose a word with four or more letters.
After you say the chosen word for the first time each turn, an opponent may ring or imitate a bell within five seconds. When no opponent does, draw a card.
Ding, ding, ding!
Time Out
Roll a six-sided die. Put target nonland permanent into its owner's library just beneath the top X cards of that library, where X is the result.
Anyone other than a goblin would've gotten only a hand caught in the cookie jar.
Topsy Turvy
The phases of each player's turn are reversed. (The phases are, in reverse order, ending, postcombat main, combat, precombat main, and beginning.)
As long as there are more than two players in the game, the turn order is reversed.
"Here on going is heck the what?"
Wall of Fortune
Defender
You may tap an untapped Wall you control to have any player reroll a die that player rolled.
"You need a six? All right everyone, she needs a six!"
Acornelia, Fashionable Filcher
Whenever you cast a spell with a squirrel in its art, you get {A} (an acorn counter).
Whenever a Squirrel you control enters the battlefield or dies, you get {A}.
{2}{B}, Pay X {A}: Target creature gets -X/-X until end of turn.
{G}, Pay X {A}: Target creature gets +X/+X until end of turn.
Bat-
Flying
At the beginning of each end step, if an opponent lost 3 or more life this turn,
Augment {1}{B} ({1}{B}, Reveal this card from your hand: Combine it with target host. Augment only as a sorcery.)
Booster Tutor
Open a sealed Magic booster pack, reveal the cards, and put one of them into your hand. (Remove that card from your deck before beginning a new game.)
"You saved that *Urza's Saga* pack all these years for *this*?"
Dirty Rat
When this creature enters the battlefield, target opponent discards a card.
Duh
Destroy target creature with reminder text. (Reminder text is any italicized text in parentheses that explains rules you already know.)
Will players understand that the creature is being crushed by two parentheses?
Not a chance.
Enter the Dungeon
Players play a Magic subgame under the table, starting at 5 life and using their libraries as their decks. The winner searches their library for two cards, puts those cards into their hand, then shuffles.
Hoisted Hireling
Hoisted Hireling has flying as long as it's being held above the battlefield.
Zarv no longer trusted the kitten posters telling him to "hang in there."
Infernal Spawn of Evil
Flying, first strike
{1}{B}, Reveal Infernal Spawn of Evil from your hand, Say "It's coming!": Infernal Spawn of Evil deals 1 damage to target opponent or planeswalker. Activate only during your upkeep and only once each turn.
Infernal Spawn of Infernal Spawn of Evil
Flying, first strike, trample
Once each turn, while you're searching your library, you may pay {1}{B}, reveal Infernal Spawn of Infernal Spawn of Evil from your library and say "I'm coming, too!" If you do, Infernal Spawn of Infernal Spawn of Evil deals 2 damage to a player of your choice.
Infernius Spawnington III, Esq.
Flying, first strike, trample, haste
This spell costs {3} less to cast for each card you've revealed this turn.
When Infernius Spawnington III, Esq. enters the battlefield, you may say "I'm here." If you do, it deals 3 damage to target player.
See evil, hear evil, speak evil.
Inhumaniac
At the beginning of your upkeep, roll a six-sided die. On a 3 or 4, put a +1/+1 counter on Inhumaniac. On a 5 or higher, put two +1/+1 counters on it. On a 1, remove all +1/+1 counters from Inhumaniac.
For the mind-minded mastermind.
Jumbo Imp
Flying
As Jumbo Imp enters the battlefield, roll a six-sided die. Jumbo Imp enters the battlefield with a number of +1/+1 counters on it equal to the result.
At the beginning of your upkeep, roll a six-sided die and put a number of +1/+1 counters on Jumbo Imp equal to the result.
At the beginning of your end step, roll a six-sided die and remove a number of +1/+1 counters from Jumbo Imp equal to the result.
Poultrygeist
Flying
Whenever a creature dies, you may roll a six-sided die. If you roll a 1, sacrifice Poultrygeist. Otherwise, put a +1/+1 counter on Poultrygeist.
Farmer Brown never ate eggs again.
Skull Saucer
Flying
When Skull Saucer enters the battlefield, destroy target creature and put your head on the table. Sacrifice Skull Saucer when your head stops touching the table.
No body is ready for this kind of power.
Snickering Squirrel
You may tap Snickering Squirrel to increase the result of a die any player rolled by 1.
"In this line of work, you've got to know how to squirrel things away. Quite literally, in my case."
Stinging Scorpion
When this creature enters the battlefield, target creature an opponent controls gets -1/-1 until end of turn.
Abstract Iguanart
Whenever you cast a spell, note the first letter of its artist's name. If that letter wasn't already noted, put a +1/+1 counter on Abstract Iguanart.
Another moving piece by the artist El Gecko.
Blast from the Past
Madness {R}, cycling {1}{R}, kicker {2}{R}, flashback {3}{R}, buyback {4}{R}
Blast from the Past deals 2 damage to any target. If this spell was kicked, create a 1/1 red Goblin creature token.