Un-Royale w/ Cheese, Part Tre: Say ass again

Pygyzy
Posts: 995
Joined: 4 years ago
Pronoun: they / them

Post by Pygyzy » 3 years ago

Un-Determined: Throwing fans at pigs til they fly or come home.

Factions: Shards
Mechanics/Themes
Mustache-Twirling Villains Anonymous
UBR: Rigged games of chance. Voting and die roll matters. Punctuation and art matters. Politics. Using knowledge to torment.
The Card Police
WUG - Decimal matters. Decimal sharing. Text sharing. Art sharing. Art matters. Text matters. Decimallink, strutting, half-strike.
The Sucker-Uppers
UBW - Affinity for art. Affinity for text. Affinity for decimals. Art theft. Text theft. Decimal theft. Text reversal. Card flipping.
League of Extraordinary Asses
BRG - Food, eating, contests, throwing, characteristics matter, characteristic modification, mini game, Ass, Sasquatch
The Melodrama Club
WRG - Numbers matter, number flipping, number sharing, anti-decimal,
rules resets, zones matter, zone swapping, numbers and zones.

Unsorted cards
SPOILER
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These will all be in the custom card set as well since this is getting long

Mother Earth BRG
Instant
Choose one —
- Return all Bat, Slug and Rat cards in a graveyard to their owner's hand.
- Gain control of target Ass, Sasquatch, or Goat until end of turn. Untap it.
- You gain protection from Elementals, Beasts and Birds until end of turn.

Garb the Rains WUB
Instant
Choose one —
- Exile target nonelemental creature, if it's wearing clothes.
- Return any number of target elemental creature to their owner's hand, if they're not wearing clothes.
- Sacrifice a creature. If it's wearing clothes, elementals you control get +2/+0 until end of turn. If it's not, nonelementals you don't control get -0/-2 until end of turn.

Goose Vamoose WUG
Sorcery
Choose one —
- Destroy all Insects, Fish, and Frogs.
- Gain control of target artifact with converted mana cost less than or equal to the number of Bird creatures you control.
- Put a Bird creature card from your hand onto the battlefield.

Downtime UBR
Instant
Choose one —
- Tap all Wizard, Shaman and Warrior creatures. They don't untap during their controller's next untap step.
- Sacrifice an Artificer, Advisor, or Noble. Create a tapped token copy of the sacrificed creature.
- Target Human fights any target.

Act. III WRG
Sorcery
Choose one —
- Gain 3 life for each creature you control with three words in it's name.
- Creatures with combined power and toughness divisible by three fight themselves..
- 3/3 creatures you control get +3/+3 until end of turn.

Body Bag Challenge BB
Enchantment
T, Place Body Bag Challenge hanging halfway over the edge of the table, face-down: Flip Body Bag Challenge over using one finger moving upwards quickly. If Body Bag Challenge turned completely over at least once and landed face up, create Ribcage, a tapped black Artifact Torso token with, "T: An opponent chooses a player other than you. That player deals 1 damage to themselves."

Just Us Chickens 2RB
Sorcery
You secretly choose a player at random. That player is the fox, each other player is a chicken. Each player then secretly votes for a player. Reveal the fox and all votes. If there are more votes for a chicken, the fox deals 2 damage to each chicken. Repeat this process until the fox has more votes or is tied for most votes.

Necrosizing RGB
Enchantment — Fad
Opponents can't eat food or activate abilities of Food or food creatures.
You may cast food creature cards from your graveyard. They cost an additional, "Do ten jumping-jacks." to cast.
If a food creature would leave your graveyard, an opponent gains control of target food, food creature or Food token you control of their choice. If they do, that creature enters the battlefield. If they can't, exile all food creature cards from your graveyard instead and sacrifice Necrosizing.

Fancy Nancy 1WU
Creature - Collector Child
Spells you cast that are borderless, extended art, textless or promotional cost 1 less.
1/4

Prodigal Comedian W
Creature — Goat Comedian
T: Add W to your exile pool. (You can use this mana only to cast spells from exile.)
1/2

Lore Judge RG
Creature - Dryad Flamekin
T, Exile Lore Judge: Exile target legendary permanent that you can prove is either dead, trapped, or Yawgmoth in thirty seconds. You must use officially licensed WOTC publication to prove your point.
1/1

Imbue Senility WU
Enchantment
The declare blockers step now comes directly before the declare attackers. (You choose how you would block before attackers are declared.)

The Bone Locker 6
Legendary Arrtifact — Pirate Booty
2W, T: Search your library for a Head card and play it tapped.
2U, T: Search your library for a Brain card and play it tapped.
2B, T: Search your library for a Torso card and play it tapped.
2R, T: Search your library for a Heart card and play it tapped.
2G, T: Search your library for an Appendage card and play it tapped.

New rule: Search means shuffle. Using play instead of put on battlefield.

One-Eyed What's-Their-Name W
Arrtifact - Pirate Head
T: Target opponent chooses a card in their hand at random. Look at that card. You may reveal that card if you shut one eye and keep it revealed for as long as you keep that eye shut.

Bright, Young, Up-and-Comer 1UU
Arrtifact - Pirate Brain
T: Target opppnent chooses a card in your library. Draw that card. If you're wearing a pirate hat, look at that card before you draw it. You may have that player choose another card. If you do, draw the last chosen card instead of the first.

Bravest Ever Known 3B
Arrtifact - Pirate Torso
T: Each player puts a -1/-1 counter on a creature they control of an opponents choice. If you're wearing a Jolly Roger, each player puts a -1/-1 counter on a creature they control of your choice.

My Dearest 1R
Arrtifact - Pirate Heart
T: Target creature gains an opponents choice of chaste or goaded for as long as My Dearest remains tapped and as long as you talk in a pirate voice. You may choose not to untap My Dearest during your untap step.

At Your Disposal 2G
Arrtifact - Pirate Appendage
T: Untap target nonappendage permanent you control of an opponents choice. If you're wearing jewelry on your wrist, ankle, fingers or toes, untap two target nonappendage permanents you control of an opppnents choice.

They're making another one?!? WUBRG
Sorcery
If you control a Head, Brain, Torso, Heart, and Appendage as you cast this, are wearing a Jolly Roger, pirate hat and jewelry, have at least one eye shut and have been talking in a pirate voice continuously since the beginning of the turn, create Jacques, a 21/21 legendary blue, red, and black Pirate creature token with, "When this creature deals combat damage to a player, they concede the game."

Void_Nothing
The Nihilist WB
Legendary Creature — Skeleton Spirit
T: Exile target creature's text box. You may replace it with another text box you've exiled with permanents named Void_Nothing.
2/1

Ryder
Friend1
Legendary Creature — Shapeshifter
What is it? — Choose a color or combination of colors before the game starts. Ryder starts the game as the chosen colors.
As you cast Ryder, roll a six-sided die. The in Ryder's mana cost corresponds one through five increasing, to the symbol in the mana wheel going in white, blue, black, red, and green order. Six is C. Reroll any other result. Cast Ryder only if you didn't rewind paying his mana cost this turn.
When Ryder enters the battlefield and at the beginning of your upkeep, choose a creature type at random you haven't already chosen. All creatures in all zones are that type in addition to their other types for the rest of the game.
1/3

Feyd_Ruin
Not Rod Stewart BR
Legendary Creature - Musician Noble
Deathstrike (Any amount of damage this deals to a creature is enough to exile it.)
T: Just a second. If Feyd_Ruin is on the battlefield, flip him onto the battlefield from a height of at least three feet. If he turns over completely at least once during the flip, he deals 1 damage to all creatures he touches.
1/1

user_938036
World's Most Phyrexian Horror
Legendary Creature — Phyrexian Horror
Cousin (As you cast this card, you may reveal any number of permanent cards in your hand with Phyrexian or Horror in their text. This creature gains each revealed card's text.)
7/7

Secret_Infiltrator
Jub, Salt of the EarthWUG
Legendary Creature — Slug Police
You choose the choices for cards with "random" in their text. (All choices must be legal.)
3/3

Spacemonaut
The Rocket Ass 2RG
Legendary Creature - Ass Astronaut
1R: Another target creature gains velocity until end of turn. (It can't block or be blocked except by creatures with flying or velocity.)
1G: Destroy target creature with velocity.
RG: Spacemonaut gains velocity.
2: Spacemonaut loses velocity. Spacemonaut deals 2 damage to each creature without flying or velocity. Activate this ability only if spacemonaut has velocity.
2/2

Dr. Mikhail Keating WWWGGG
Legendary Creature — Human Nomad (M)
Omen (For each of your omens, you may choose how one creature that an opponent controls attacks or blocks each combat.)
Judo (Damage dealt to this by creatures without judo also causes that creature to deal that much damage to itself.)
T: When target creature an opponent controls dies this turn, return that card to the battlefield under your control.
Each other creature you control gets +1/+1 for each creature you control.
"You really think he spends all night reading books? — Isabel Jasper, Keating Biological Researcher
4/4

Specter Of Naught BBBBBB
Legendary Creature — Specter Incarnation (M)
Infernal — Whenever a creature you don't control is exiled, each opponent loses life equal to its toughness.
Damnation (Any amount of damage dealt to this by a creature is enough to exile that creature.)
Omen (For each of your omens, you may choose how one creature that an opponent controls attacks or blocks each combat.)
Protection from Humans, Demigods, and Gods
"Once it's chosen it's victim, it becomes bound to them. The last person that tried to break the curse... I'm not gonna make the same mistake they did." — Garren Dyndale, occult and supernatural phenomena expert
8/7

Razor-Gazer UUURRR
Legendary Artifact Creature — Scarecrow Eye (M)
Flying, Haste, Menace, Prowess
T: Razor-Gazer deals 4 damage to any target.
q: Counter target spell that would destroy Razor-Gazer.
UURR: Tap target creature. Untap Razor-Gazer.
"So you're saying, it murdered the entire high school football team. And it was wearing Ernie's face? Hang on, someone's here. Hello? Bill? That you?" — Bartleby Hollis, Shadowsfall Deputy, last words
4/1

The Spring Rooster WUBR
Legendary Creature — Bird God
Set your watch — Choose the mode thats number is equal to the minute of the hour, rounded down to the nearest ten.
00 — Choose any other mode except 50.
10 — The Spring Rooster is indestructible.
20 — When The Spring Rooster enters the battlefield, draw 2 cards.
30 — When the Spring Rooster enters the battle, destroy target nonbird creature
40 — When The Spring Rooster enters the battlefield, it deals 4 damage to all nonbird creatures.
50 — Choose all other modes except 00.
4/4

Summer Lily UBRG
Legendary Creature — Dryad Babe
Set your watch — As you cast this spell, choose the mode thats number is equal to the minute of the hour, rounded down to the nearest ten.
Flash
00 — Choose any other mode except 50.
10 — When Summer Lily enters the battlefield, tap all other creatures you don't control.
20 — When Summer Lily enters the battlefield nonbabe creatures get -4/-4 until end of turn.
30 — When Summer Lily enters the battlefield, gain control of target nonbabe creature for as long as you control Summer Lily
40 — When Summer Lily enters the battlefield search your library for a creature card with art that has a, "chainmail bikini". Every player looks. When everyone is done looking, put it into your hand. Shuffle afterwards.
50 — Choose all other modes except 00.
5/2

Granddaughter of Autumn WBUG
Legendary Creature - Treefolk Granddaughter
Set your watch — As you cast this spell, choose the mode thats number is equal to the minute of the hour, rounded down to the nearest ten.
00 — Choose any other mode except 50.
10 — If damage would be dealt to you, you may redirect it to Granddaughter of Autumn instead.
20 — Whenever a creature deals damage to you, destroy it.
30 — Lands you control have, "T: Return this to your hand.".
40 — At the beginning of each opponents end step, untap all lands you control.
50 — Choose all other modes except 00.
1/9

Old Marit Lage of Winter WURG
Legendary Snow Creature — Elder Avatar
Set your watch — As you cast this spell, choose the mode thats number is equal to the minute of the hour, rounded down to the nearest ten.
00 - Choose any other mode except 50.
10 - Counters can't be placed on cards. Permanents that enter the battlefield with counters can't enter the battlefield.
20 - Nonbasic lands are colorless 0/1 Mountain Survivor land creatures instead of their normal types, and have indestructible.
30 - Survivor creatures you control get +3/+0.
40- Whenever a land dies, it's controller searches their library for a basic land card, puts it onto the battlefield, then shuffles their library.
50 - Choose all other modes except 00.
-20/20

Mother Earth BRG
Instant
Choose one —
- Return all Bat, Slug and Rat cards in a graveyard to their owner's hand.
- Gain control of target Ass, Sasquatch, or Goat until end of turn. Untap it.
- You gain protection from Elementals, Beasts and Birds until end of turn.

Garb the Rains WUB
Instant
Choose one —
- Exile target nonelemental creature, if it's wearing clothes.
- Return any number of target elemental creature to their owner's hand, if they're not wearing clothes.
- Sacrifice a creature. If it's wearing clothes, elementals you control get +2/+0 until end of turn. If it's not, nonelementals you don't control get -0/-2 until end of turn.

Goose Vamoose WUG
Sorcery
Choose one —
- Destroy all Insects, Fish, and Frogs.
- Gain control of target artifact with converted mana cost less than or equal to the number of Bird creatures you control.
- Put a Bird creature card from your hand onto the battlefield.

Downtime UBR
Instant
Choose one —
- Tap all Wizard, Shaman and Warrior creatures. They don't untap during their controller's next untap step.
- Sacrifice an Artificer, Advisor, or Noble. Create a tapped token copy of the sacrificed creature.
- Target Human fights any target.

Act. III WRG
Sorcery
Choose one —
- Gain 3 life for each creature you control with three words in it's name.
- Creatures with combined power and toughness divisible by three fight themselves..
- 3/3 creatures you control get +3/+3 until end of turn.

Body Bag Challenge BB
Enchantment
T, Place Body Bag Challenge hanging halfway over the edge of the table, face-down: Flip Body Bag Challenge over using one finger moving upwards quickly. If Body Bag Challenge turned completely over at least once and landed face up, create Ribcage, a tapped black Artifact Torso token with, "T: An opponent chooses a player other than you. That player deals 1 damage to themselves."

Just Us Chickens 2RB
Sorcery
You secretly choose a player at random. That player is the fox, each other player is a chicken. Each player then secretly votes for a player. Reveal the fox and all votes. If there are more votes for a chicken, the fox deals 2 damage to each chicken. Repeat this process until the fox has more votes or is tied for most votes.

Necrosizing RGB
Enchantment — Fad
Opponents can't eat food or activate abilities of Food or food creatures.
You may cast food creature cards from your graveyard. They cost an additional, "Do ten jumping-jacks." to cast.
If a food creature would leave your graveyard, an opponent gains control of target food, food creature or Food token you control of their choice. If they do, that creature enters the battlefield. If they can't, exile all food creature cards from your graveyard instead and sacrifice Necrosizing.

Fancy Nancy 1WU
Creature - Collector Child
Spells you cast that are borderless, extended art, textless or promotional cost 1 less.
1/4

Prodigal Comedian W
Creature — Goat Comedian
T: Add W to your exile pool. (You can use this mana only to cast spells from exile.)
1/2

Lore Judge RG
Creature - Dryad Flamekin
T, Exile Lore Judge: Exile target legendary permanent that you can prove is either dead, trapped, or Yawgmoth in thirty seconds. You must use officially licensed WOTC publication to prove your point.
1/1

Invoke Senility WU
Enchantment
The declare blockers step now comes directly before the declare attackers step. (Players choose how they would block before attackers are declared.)
Colorless
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???
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??? — ???
???
"???" — ???
???/???
Artist: ??? ???/???
(That's a card with question marks for name, cost, type, text, flavor text, p/t, art, artist, and collectors number.

Vote or Die <Null>
Sorcery
If the game has been played for over ninety minutes plus thirty minutes for each player beyond the third, you may cast Vote or Die without paying its mana cost. If Vote or Die would be cast any other way, instead it isn't.
Starting with you, in clockwise order, each player votes for live or die. If live wins, each player's life total becomes equal to the highest life total among players times two. I'd die wins, each players life total becomes equal the highest life total among players times negative two. If the votes are tied, a random player loses the game and another random player shuffles this card into their library. Exile this card as it resolves if it wasn't shuffled into a player's library.

Gleemax's Master Plan 99.9
Legendary Enchantment
Remove all decimal points from all cards everywhere, forever. (Forever is until the game ends. They never existed. A period is not a decimal point.)
"I will eliminate 5 of all life in the universe!"


Perfect UU//Timing RR
Instant
(This card is colorless except as it's resolving.)
Superimpose — If you would cast either half, shuffle a basic Island and a basic Mountain you own in a face-down pile instead. An opponent chooses one. Reveal it. If it's a Island, superimpose Perfect then cast it. If it's a Mountain, superimpose Timing then cast it. Cast this spell only if you didn't rewind paying its mana cost this turn.
Create a token copy of a creature an opponent controls. It has, "Creatures with the same name as this creature have protection from creatures with the same name as this creature.".
//
A spell's controller copies it and casts the copy. Replace all instances of "opponent" in their text with "me". Redirect those spells to their controller if able.

Other R //Hand B
Sorcery
(This card is colorless except as it's resolving.)
Superimpose — If you would cast either half, shuffle a basic Mountain and a basic Swamp you own in a face-down pile instead. An opponent chooses one. Reveal it. If it's a Mountain, superimpose Other then cast it. If it's a Swamp, superimpose Hand then cast it. Cast this spell only if you didn't rewind paying its mana cost this turn.
Put a card from your hand on the bottom of your library, then draw a card. // An opponent puts a card from their hand on top of their library, then draws a card from the bottom of their library.

Body RR //Horror BB
Sorcery
(This card is colorless except as it's resolving.)
Superimpose — If you would cast this spell, shuffle a basic Mountain and a basic Swamp you own face-down instead. An opponent chooses one. Reveal it. If it's a Mountain, superimpose Body then cast it. If it's a Swamp, superimpose Horror then cast it. Cast this spell only if you didn't rewind paying its mana cost this turn.
Body deals 2 damage to a random number of targets.// Each player reveals their hand. Choose a card type at random other than land. Each player discards all cards of the chosen type.
White
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Ball and Chain W
Enchantment - Hitch
Enchant creature you control and creature you don't control
Enchanted creatures are Chaste. (They can't attack or block, their activated abilities can't be activated, and they can't be used to pay for costs.)
If either creature would leave the battlefield, they both go together instead.

Do Without 2W
Each player chooses a nonland permanent they control that they haven't previously chosen. Say "Duck" or "Goose". If you say "Duck" repeat this process. If you say "Goose" each player sacrifices the chosen cards.

Baneslayer Chicken WW
Creature - Bird Noble
Strutting (If this creature would become blocked, roll a six-sided die. If the result is even, that creature can't block this creature this turn instead.)
Half-Strike (This creature deals half its combat damage during the half-strike and second half-strike step, rounded up.)
Decimallink (Decimal damage dealt by this creature also causes you to gain that much life, rounded up.)
Protection from Rats and Dogs
"She started the Tolarian County Fair just so she could win it every year."
Jimson Herb — Golgari Beeble Farmer
3/3

Banding Camp 2W
Enchantment
Sing the first line of "Kumbaya" you haven't already sung this game:
Creatures you control with keywords gain, "Bands with other creatures that share a keyword with this creature." until end of turn. Opponents may sing with you. If any do, each singer may put a +.5/+.5 on a creature they control with a keyword. You can't sing this way more than once each turn.
(To sing Kumbaya, first pick a version. The first line is "Kumbaya my lord, kumbaya.")
"Oh lord, kumbaya."


Wishing for More Wishes 1WW
Sorcery
Choose a card you own from outside the game with wish in it's name, not named WFMW, reveal it, and put it into your hand. Exile WFMW.
When you cast a card with wish it's name, not named WFMW, you may put WFMW into your hand from exile. If you do, exile a card from your hand that doesn't have wish in it's name.
Blue
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Blueper 1U
Enchantment
When you make a game state error, you may sacrifice Blueper. If you do, fix that error. Draw a card.

Sustain Ecology 1UU
Enchantment
Flash
When Sustain Ecology ETB, exile target spell with fire or water in it's art.
Opponents can't cast spells with fire or water in their art.
Whenever an opponent casts a card with a plant in its art, shuffle this card into your library.
When Sustain Ecology LTB, return the exiled card to its owner hand.

Spirit of R&D 1UU
Creature - Ass Designer Spirit
Reveal a card you own from outside the game with the same name as a permanent on the battlefield but a functionally different printing: You may treat each card with the same name as the revealed card as though it were either version for the rest of the game, at any time. Activate this ability only once per card you own with a unique English name and a functionally different printing.
1.5/2.5
"See?"
black
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Fresh Hell BBBB
Enchantment
Whenever a creature deals combat damage to you, destroy it. If you do,
put that creature into a resealable container used to store food and close the lid.
When Fresh Hell leaves the battlefield, put all cards you don't own in resealable containers you own onto the battlefield under your control.
Offer food that can fit inside a resealable container an opponent owns: Return all creatures inside resealable containers to the battlefield under their owner's control. Exile Fresh Hell. Only an opponent can activate this ability and only if they control a creature inside an opponent's resealable container.

Deskeletonize 1B
Instant
Destroy any number of target creatures that have a skeleton in their art.
Creatures that have a skeleton in their art can't leave graveyards this turn.
Confuse (You may cast one or both halves of this card from your hand and ignore any sentence on it.)
"Thank goodness you didn't push the Resketelonize button. Did you?"
Digamous Birkenstock, Izzet Chimneysweep, recovered transcript
//
Reskeletonize 1B
Instant
Return all creature cards in graveyards that have a skeleton in their art to their owner's hand.
Creatures that have a skeleton in their art can't be destroyed this turn.
Confuse (You may cast one or both halves of this card from your hand and ignore any sentence on it.)
"I never noticed that skeleton there before."
Digamous Birkenstock, Izzet Chimneysweep, last words.

You Gonna Eat That?B
Instant
Eat target noncard nontoken food target player controls.
Red
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Flammable R
Sorcery
Target creature you control gains enflame until end of turn. (Any amount of damage that creature deals to a creature is enough to exile it.)
Creatures deal 1 damage to themselves
"Flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?"
Confuse
//
Inflammable R
Sorcery
Target creature you control gains enflame until end of turn. (Any amount of damage that creature deals to a creature is enough to exile it.)
Creatures deal 1 damage to themselves.
"What a world."
Confuse

Just Add Goblin R
Creature — Goblin
Instant Goblin counts as an instant and sorcery spell in all zones.
If you would cast an instant or sorcery spell, you may exile that spell instead. If you do, Instant Goblin is on the stack and the battlefield simultaneously and gains the exiled card's text. Resolve Instant Goblin.
1/1

Reversal of Reversal of Fortune 2RRRR
Instant
Reveal your hand. An opponent chooses a creature card with an activated ability in it. Create a token copy of it. Copy it's activated abilities and activate them without paying their activation costs. Chasten that creature. (It can't attack or block and it's activated abilities can't be activated)
Art: Some horrifying monster posing in the same manner as the woman on Reversal of Fortune, chainmail bikini clad, comedically over-sexualized, holding a small reversal of fortune girl in his hand but she's dressed like a nun. Kaja and Phil Foglio would be perfect for this

Seasonal Combustive Disorder XR
Instant
You can only spend exactly R to cast this spell and it costs 1 less for each first of the month so far this year. X can't be greater than 12. Seasonal Combustive Disorder deals X damage to target creature. Celebrate this month's holiday.
New Year - If that creature dies this turn, exile it.
Valentine - Exchange control of that creature with one you control.
St. Patrick - Until end of turn, all creatures are green and can't block.
April Fool - End the phase.
Memorial - Create Abe, a 0/X white, blue, and red Noble creature token.
Father - Create a token copy of that creature. Exile it at end of combat.
Independence - Deal X damage to all creatures with flying.
Remembrance - Combat damage also damages it's source this turn.
Labor - Creatures don't untap during their controller's next untap step.
Halloween - Instant cards have flashback equal to mana cost this turn.
Thanksgiving - Players create a Food token for each tapped land.
Christmas - Players create a Treasure token for each untapped land.

The card is printed sideways with the type line and text box directly below the name taking up as little space as possible. Each holiday name is on a small type line above a small text box containing the corresponding ability, arranged 4X3, resembling a calendar. Wording is non-standard for space. Using Who // What // When // Where // Why, I determined you could fit 12 text boxes on a card barely.

Off! 2R
Sorcery
Each player secretly chooses a creature they control, then all players reveal their choice simultaneously. The chosen creatures fight. At the end of turn, each player who still controls their chosen creature creates a Treasure token.

Nowhere Fast XR
Instant
The next time this game a spell or ability you control causes you to roll, flip, vote, choose, or target, repeat your rolls, flips, votes, choices, or targets an additional X times and add these rolls, flips, votes, choices or targets to those rolls, flips, votes, choices or targets. (For example, Pithing Needle instructs you to choose a card name. If X=5, you'd choose six cards names for its effect. It's still one effect.)

...Period! R
Instant
As an additional cost to cast ...Period!, discard a card.
...Period! deals X damage, divided randomly, among a random number of target creatures, where X is equal to the total number of punctuation on the discarded cards text.
"If I hear one more peep outta you two, I'm crashing this zeppelin into the next mountain I see. None of us will get to go to Karonaland. Grok, stop touching Shrok! That's it." — Auntie Ante, revered broodmother, last words
Green
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Alpha Omega Zulu 9GG
Legendary Creature — Sasquatch God
You may have decimal creatures you control deal combat damage as though they didn't have a decimal.
You may have decimal creature you control receive lethal damage as though they didn't have a decimal.
Alpha Omega Zulu costs X less, where X is equal to the total value of all decimal values on creatures you control, added together as though they were whole numbers.
"I give it a point five point five chance. Either it exists, or it doesn't.
.9/.9

Even Greater Good GG
Enchantment
If you would vote, instead you vote twice. An opponent chooses your votes.
"It appears to be a tie with 2189% reporting, so it goes to a run-off between Urza's Head and Storm Crow. Nobody would have predicted this." — Fuzzgum Rumpelsby, Ozhov Senior Political Disenfranchiser

Carry the One 2G
Enchantment
Whenever a decimal creature enters the battlefield under your control, draw a card.
You may have decimal creatures you control deal combat damage as though their power was rounded up to the nearest whole number.
You may have decimal creatures you control receive lethal damage as though their toughness was rounded up to the nearest whole number.
Multicolor
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Codename Major Ass XBRG
Legendary Creature — Ass Hydra Doctor
Codename Major Ass enters the battlefield with X ass counters.
If an spell or ability would use X to define a value, it uses the number of ass counters on Codename instead.
3+X/3+X

Long Division WRG
Creature — Horse Soldier Biologist
Whenever you roll a six-sided die for the first time during your turn, choose a card type and a zone that's not hidden then roll another six-sided die. If the sum of the first die and second die is less than or equal to the number of chosen card types in the chosen zone, choose a card of that type in that zone and put it into your hand.
N is equal to the result of the last six-sided die you rolled divided by two, and A is equal to the result of the last die you rolled.
"Why the long face?" — Hink Gondola, Boros Whipping Boy, last words
N/A

Baby Bolas 3UBR
Legendary Creature - Elder Dragon Child
Flying
When ~ ETB, destroy all other Elder creatures and Dragon creatures.
You may cast ~ from your graveyard once per turn as long as no player controls any Elders or Dragons.
Reveal an Elder and/or Dragon card from your hand: Put Bolas into the absolutely-removed-from-the-freaking-game-forever zone. Any opponent may activate this ability.
T: Ask an opponent a yes or no question about canon Magic: The Gathering lore. If you can prove their answer wrong within 30 seconds, using officially licensed WOTC publication, put Bolas into your hand from anywhere. Activate this ability only if it makes sense.
"Did Venser have blue eyes?"
3.5/3.5

Mishra's Cousin, Earl
Legendary Creature - Human Cousin
Cousin (As you cast this card, you may reveal any number of permanent cards from your hand with Mishra in their text. If you do, this card gains each of those card's text.)
UU, T: Target artifact creature you control becomes your choice of Mishra's War Machine or Mishra's Self-Replicator for as long as you control Earl.
BB, T: Target noncreature artifact you control becomes your choice of Mishra's Bauble or Mishra's Helix for as long as you control Earl.
RR, T: Target land you control becomes your choice of Mishra's Workshop or Mishra's Factory for as long as you control Earl.
"Remember the Soldevi? Me neither."
1.5/4.5

Drew Hairy 1UBR
Legendary Creature - Sasquatch Celebrity
Drew Hairy gets +.5/+.5 for each Treasure on the battlefield.
Whenever a Treasure leaves the battlefield, put two +.5/+.5 counter on Drew. These counters remain on Drew in all zones.
4: Look at the top card of your library. You may choose a creature type and reveal that card covering the art. Each opponent guesses how many creatures of that type are in that card's art. They can't choose the same number. You and the opponent who guessed closest without going over, both create a number of Treasure tokens equal to the number they guessed.
"You just won an all mana paid interplanar vacation to Segovia courtesy of Tez Air. Tez Air, Go Anywhere. And a new Juggernaut! Congratulations, would you like to say hi to Emrakul out there?"
2.5/2.5

World's Greatest Magic Player WWUUBBRRGG
Instant - Win
If you cast this spell from your hand, you lose the game and win the next game in the match. (If you haven't lost the match already.)
"I got this."


Huey, Dewey, and Louie Decimal 3WUG
Legendary Creature - Bird Brother
Once during each turn, you may move all instances of decimal points on a card that's visible to all players, one number over, either left or right, until end of turn.
.5/1.5

Mean Gene WG
Legendary Creature — Mutant Mathematician
Each other creature's base power and toughness becomes equal to the mean of the power and toughness in it's text, rounded up.
The glass isn't point five empty or point five full, it's only point five."
Pi/Pi

Lost and Found WUBRG
Legendary Enchantment
When ~ enters the battlefield, exile all cards from graveyards, face down in a random order, with a lost counter on them.
Whenever a creature deals combat damage to an opponent, that creature's controller may choose an exiled card with a lost counter on it, reveal it, and put it into their hand. It's revealed as long as it's in their hand. They may spend mana as though it were mana of any color to cast it.
Whenever a player targets an opponent with a spell, if that opponent has a revealed card in their hand, that player may choose one and put into their hand. It's revealed as long as it's in their hand. They may spend mana as though it were mana of any color to cast it.
Artifact
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Interplanar Phonebook 4
Artifact
4, T: Choose a creature card name. Target player shuffles and spreads their deck in front of you. Pick a card and reveal it. If it's the named card, put it onto the battlefield under your control. That player shuffles their library.

Easter Gargoyle 4
Artifact Creature — Food Gargoyle
Delicious (This creature counts as food but please don't eat it.)
Hopping (Tapped creatures can block this as though they were untapped and this creature can't be blocked by untapped creatures.)
Easter Gargoyle ETB with four Food in it.
Easter Gargoyle get +.5/.+5 for each Food in it.
Take a bite of food, put a Food in Easter Gargoyle onto the battlefield: Easter Gargoyle loses delicious and gains inedible until end of turn. (Prevent all damage that would be dealt to it by creatures with an open mouth in their art.)
.5/.5

Golgothian Dinner Bell 1
Artifact
T, Exile Ulgrothan Dinner Bell: All players eat as much noncard nontoken food as they can in 10 seconds. Each player who took the most bites draws a card.

Hilarious Torture Device 3
Artifact
T: Say something you think is funny. If another player laughs or smiles right away, put two -.5/-.5 counters on target creature.
"You think that's funny? What if I stuffed cabbage up your nose, poured vinegar in your mouth, and called you cole slaw? Wouldn't be laughing then."

Gauntlet of I Might 4
Artifact
Mountains you control get +1/+1.
Red creatures you control have, "T: Roll a six-sided die. If the result is even, add R.
"Our greatest warriors went up that mountain and never came back. Some say you can still see them to this day. Oh look, you can. HEY! HEY GUYS!" — Torgo, Goblin Ophthalmologist

Cheat Codes 4
Legendary Artifact
Spells you cast with a subtype or keyword that has no rules meaning cost WUBRG less to cast. This can't reduce a spell's cost to less than one mana.
"Armor of thorns just got broken wide open."


Dishwasher of Doom 4
Artifact
Dishwasher of Doom enters the battlefield tapped.
1, T, Sacrifice Dishwasher of Doom: Just a second. For each nonland permanent on the battlefield, roll up to that many six-sided dice but not more than you can hold in your hands. Destroy each nonland permanent that has a die you rolled touching it. You must roll them simultaneously, dropped straight down from at least three feet above the center of the table.
"Tired of using spot removal over and over and still not getting that new plane look? Why use a Akroma's Vengeance when you can get the same results for less mana. You'll never have to worry about scrubbing out again." — Memnarch
Land
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Hyalopterous Lemuria
Creature Land — Swamp Island Lemur
Hyalopterous Lemuria enters the battlefield tapped with a bide counter. (Bide counters give, "This doesn't untap during it's controllers untap step.)
, Remove a bide counter, add a bide counter: Untap Hyalopterous Lemuria. It gets -0/-2 and gains flying until end of turn. Activate this ability only if an opponent attacked during their last turn.
"So cute. I thought they'd all gone extinct. They won't attack unless provok—- O god it's eating me!" — Robefer Sutherford, World Renowned Explorer/Philanthropist, last words
3/5

Monster Island Sanctuary
Legendary Land — Island Wastes
If this would enter the battlefield from your hand, instead it phases out.
UC: Monster Island Sanctuary phases out. If Monster Island Sanctuary would phase in, roll a six-sided die. If the result is odd, it remains phased out instead.
1, T: Exile target Ape, Dinosaur, Egg, or Assassin you control. Put a vanished! counter on it.
5, T, Sacrifice Monster Island Sanctuary: Return to the battlefield all exiled creatures with vanished! counters. The are goaded, and gain trample, haste, menace and name rampage 2 until end of turn. (Whenever they become blocked, they get +2/+2 for each word in the blocker's name beyond the first.)
Last edited by Pygyzy 3 years ago, edited 29 times in total.

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