The cause for my absence. [Mental Health]

[Krishnath]

I have been struggling for these last couple of weeks on how to formulate this so that people will understand it properly, but I made a promise to @Feyd_Ruin that I would return this week, so here I am, and frigg it, I'll just write what's about what happened.

A little background, I was born neurologically different. I have what is commonly known as Asperger's Syndrome, but is in reality a type of autism. This is different for everyone that has it, some become nonverbal, others become hypersexual or hypersocial, and in my case, I am asocial. As in, I have no need for social interactions, at all. This is fortunate, as for me it also comes with suffering from a chronic depression and sociophobia. I am quite literally certified insane in the eyes of the medical world and law. Heck, I was four before I got my first friend (who then ended up dying from leukemia, poor kid). I have never had many friends, I've never needed many friends, and I am fine with that, honestly.
It is not all bad though, I've had multiple doctors and psychologists tell me that I am one of the most intelligent patients they've ever had, I am capable of understanding incredibly complex science with no issue (I can talk at length about multidimensional theory, lol.), but at the same time my mind is literally incapable of doing math or even remembering numbers. It took me literally a decade to learn my home phone number, and even longer to learn my social security number. Any number larger than four digits and I have almost no chance of remembering it. My depression and sociophobia eventually got so bad that I now have a disability pension (one of the advantages of living in Scandinavia I guess.).
MTG has long been one of the ways for me to cope with the Sociophobia and help me stave it off getting worse.

What does all this have to do with my absence? Well, as I mentioned, I suffer from chronic depression, and about once every year during the spring months, it decides I've been having it to good during the dark months, and it decides to remind me of itself and literally kicks my ass for several weeks. So, what happened was that it hit me like a freight train an just kept going for 15 days straight. It's taken me this long to recover enough to return.

Chronic depression is a (insert euphemism for a female dog here),

Don't worry to much though, I am most definitely not suicidal. I haven't been suicidal since I was fifteen. Fortunately I decided that killing myself would mean that my enemies (real or imagined, doesn't matter) would win, and I am way to much of a stubborn ass to allow that to happen. Lol.


TL;DR: I suffer from chronic depression and sociophobia, and my depression likes to make itself known from time to time and kicks my ass.

[The Fluff]

ah, so that's why you disappeared. Welcome back.

don't have any experience on mental disorders, none of my friends in the mtg community and anime community have no such thing. So there's really nothing I could advice on your being depressed.

just take it easy on things, is all I can say.

[Krishnath]

ah, so that's why you disappeared. Welcome back.

don't have any experience on mental disorders, none of my friends in the mtg community and anime community have no such thing. So there's really nothing I could advice on your being depressed.

just take it easy on things, is all I can say.

Thank you.

No advice could help, I can usually manage it with chocolate (Thank Hades for sugar free chocolate, lol), but when I get one of those episodes there is nothing to do but wait it out.

But I can tell you, it is very likely someone you know is struggling with mental health issues, even if they don't talk about it. Mental health issues are a lot more common than what most people believe, be it addiction, depression, phobias, or something else. There is unfortunately put a lot of stigma on people with mental health issues, even though there really shouldn't be, which unfortunately means a lot of people never get the help they need and deserve to be able to live a decent life. Had I gotten my diagnosis when I was in my teens, instead of in my 30's, I might not have had to get a disability pension.

[The Fluff]

ah, so your condition was only discovered in your 30's? What were the signs that the doctors started to think you had mental health problem?

actually, from the start I always thought you were normal. Saw nothing out of the ordinary in your manner of posting. Only discovered you had issues, because you made this thread.

speaking of phobia. One of my female friends in the myanimelist community has a fear of spiders. She finds it hard to handle watching swarms of spiders in Kumo desu ga, nani ka? (I'm a spider, so what?). But she still watches the show, because she likes the story.

[BeneTleilax]

I mean, I feel like half of this forum is on the spectrum. It's real common in nerd/fandom places. It's generally not detectable over posts, just because of the general tonelessness of the internet.

[Krishnath]

ah, so your condition was only discovered in your 30's? What were the signs that the doctors started to think you had mental health problem?

actually, from the start I always thought you were normal. Saw nothing out of the ordinary in your manner of posting. Only discovered you had issues, because you made this thread.

speaking of phobia. One of my female friends in the myanimelist community has a fear of spiders. She finds it hard to handle watching swarms of spiders in Kumo desu ga, nani ka? (I'm a spider, so what?). But she still watches the show, because she likes the story.

No, I was officially diagnosed in my 30's, but it's been obvious since I was a toddler, but back then (early 80's) there weren't as much readily available information that there is now, and the stigma for mental health issues were even worse than it is now. I was pretty much always a loner as a kid, even when I was in daycare, I preferred to play on my own away from the other kids, and as I said, it wasn't until I was four I got a friend. I've never been sociable, and I've never liked big groups of people. But I was never offered any help, not even my parents who were well aware of my issues wanted to give me access to the help I so desperately needed, it wasn't before I had a full on mental breakdown in my late 20's that was even offered help, and I wouldn't have gotten it at all if it wasn't for my sister (bless her heart) putting her foot down and literally telling both my parents and social services what %$#% people they had been, because they knew I had issues and needed help and they never offered it, by then it was far to late to make me a productive member of society, and it still took them three years to address the problem, the social services conveniently "forgot" that they needed to help me for one and a half years, then they dropped the whole thing in the lap of the Swedish Public Employment Services, who pretty much sat on their hands for over a year. Eventually a nonprofit organization got involved and started to dig into my mental health issues, getting me diagnosed, and over the span of a year, getting the diagnosis certified by a psychiatrist employed by the state, and then it still took several months before I got disability. The disability is technically up for review every two years, but it pretty much gets autorenewed because I am not going to get better, only worse.

If it hadn't been for me discovering MTG in '94, I would probably not be here today, I'd either be in an insane asylum, or dead. MTG has literally helped me stave off the sociophobia so it doesn't get worse. It doesn't help much with the depression, but at least it helps with the phobia.

[motleyslayer]

welcome back.

I feel that MTG is a really good way for people who would otherwise really struggle socially meet people. Unfortunately, society still has a really far way to go when it comes to aiding people with mental illnesses. Coming from a Canadian experience, mental health support is really (really) poor. I graduated high school in 2009 and had a friend struggle bad because he couldn't get support but rather just got "sit still and do your work". Within the past 2 years, I saw him for the first time since graduating school and he told me he had be diagnosed with autism. We then discussed how schools in our time weren't really equipped for helping students like him.

[Krishnath]

welcome back.

I feel that MTG is a really good way for people who would otherwise really struggle socially meet people. Unfortunately, society still has a really far way to go when it comes to aiding people with mental illnesses. Coming from a Canadian experience, mental health support is really (really) poor. I graduated high school in 2009 and had a friend struggle bad because he couldn't get support but rather just got "sit still and do your work". Within the past 2 years, I saw him for the first time since graduating school and he told me he had be diagnosed with autism. We then discussed how schools in our time weren't really equipped for helping students like him.

Schools still aren't equipped to help students like your friend and myself, and at least over here they are required to do so by law, but they simply lack the resources and expertise that are required to do so efficiently. Fortunately, some organizations, like the one that eventually got involved with me and helped me get a full medical diagnosis (not going to mention what it is called, but I can say that despite it being a christian religious nonprofit, they do not judge and help everyone regardless of religion or orientation because it is the right thing to do.) are working on changing this, and at least in some parts of our countries the local authorities are starting to do the same. Like in the county where my sister lives a bit outside of Gothenburg, one of my nephews are showing signs of being on the spectrum as well, and his preschool (and soon his school) are both well equipped to give him the help he needs.
It has also helped that a lot of prominent people, such as Sir Anthony Hopkins and the Scientist Youtuber Kyle Hill have come out and confirmed that they are on the Autism Scale as well. The more famous (and semifamous) people talk about an issue that they have, the more accepted and talked about it becomes.

[ironic gesture]

I agree with you that most people probably know at least 1 person with a mental health issue without realizing it. The stigma associated causes people to hide it as much as they can. I dream of a world better set up to protect and understand people like us.

[motleyslayer]

With the amount of people that are talking about mental health, hopefully that means there will be more support for mental health soon. I feel a great step would be to eliminate the stigma attached with mental health issues so that it will be easier to talk about and then we can start providing real support for it

[Feyd_Ruin]

I've dealt with major depression issues my whole life. Social anxiety, withdrawal, etc. It's why I've grown to love this community so much and want to give back to it with this site. It's been my home when no where else feels like home, I've hung out with people I consider legit friends when I can't go out, etc. It can be hard. Meds do help, but there's always still a battle. In the end, just know that you're not alone and many of us fully understand what you're going through.

Schools still aren't equipped to help students like your friend and myself

A bit of it depends on where you live. My son is autistic, and I've been very impressed with this area's IEP system, special programs (especially one through the local collage), etc. He's gone from practically nonverbal to the king of sarcasm and jokes. Some of it is age and maturity, but a lot of it was also the education and occupational/etc therapy. He's come a long way, and the therapy programs here have been invaluable.

Well, as I mentioned, I suffer from chronic depression, and about once every year during the spring months...

Reverse Seasonal Affective Disorder. My wife has issues with this, so I'm quite familiar with it. Roughly 10% of Seasonal Affective Disorder sufferers get the symptoms at the opposite time of the year as average sufferers: instead of getting depressed in the winter due to lack of light, etc, they get depressed in the spring and start of summer — possibly due to too much light, circadian rhythm.. they just don't know. Unfortunately, there's not much that can be done, we just have to try and push through it and hope it passes.

[Krishnath]

I've dealt with major depression issues my whole life. Social anxiety, withdrawal, etc. It's why I've grown to love this community so much and want to give back to it with this site. It's been my home when no where else feels like home, I've hung out with people I consider legit friends when I can't go out, etc. It can be hard. Meds do help, but there's always still a battle. In the end, just know that you're not alone and many of us fully understand what you're going through.

Schools still aren't equipped to help students like your friend and myself

A bit of it depends on where you live. My son is autistic, and I've been very impressed with this area's IEP system, special programs (especially one through the local collage), etc. He's gone from practically nonverbal to the king of sarcasm and jokes. Some of it is age and maturity, but a lot of it was also the education and occupational/etc therapy. He's come a long way, and the therapy programs here have been invaluable.

Well, as I mentioned, I suffer from chronic depression, and about once every year during the spring months...

Reverse Seasonal Affective Disorder. My wife has issues with this, so I'm quite familiar with it. Roughly 10% of Seasonal Affective Disorder sufferers get the symptoms at the opposite time of the year as average sufferers: instead of getting depressed in the winter due to lack of light, etc, they get depressed in the spring and start of summer — possibly due to too much light, circadian rhythm.. they just don't know. Unfortunately, there's not much that can be done, we just have to try and push through it and hope it passes.

Re: Schools, it was more of in a general sense. As I mentioned, there are schools (and preschools/daycare) that do make an effort, unfortunately most do not. I am glad that you found one where your son can thrive and get the help he need.

And yeah, Reverse Seasonal Affective Disorder (RSAD), it hits me every spring within a month or so of Easter, sometimes a little earlier, and that is on top of the chronic depression. It is strange, I love the darkness of winter (but I could do without the cold), and I like the warmth of summer (but I could do without the light), It's irritating. I had an art teacher way back when I was in school that had the more common version of it, he needed light therapy during the winter months, and eventually it got so bad he had to move to the tropics because he became suicidal during the dark months, so he needed to move somewhere it didn't get as dark during the winter. So, at least that is an option if you are one that suffers from it due to the dark of winter, the rest of us don't have that luck. If I could get rid of that part of my depression by moving elsewhere on the planet on a permanent basis, I would consider it. I bet most of us would.

I wish you and your family the best life you can have, and thank you for the virtual hug (I prefer those to physical ones, I don't like being touched, lol.)