Drunk Magic

Triske
Posts: 4
Joined: 4 years ago
Pronoun: he / him

Post by Triske » 4 years ago

Hello! I wrote a parody summary of the War of the Spark novel. Like Drunk History, but for Magic. Drunk Magic. People liked it, so I'm sharing it here too, and I've started to work on the Uncharted Realms stories starting with Magic Origins. I'll update here daily until I catch up with my once-a-week schedule on other sites or until someone tells me to shut up and go away. Whichever comes first.

WAR OF THE SPARK: PART ONE

-----

PRELUDE
"You and I are scheming," Ugin laughed, schemingly.
"Yes. Yes, we are scheming," Niv-Mizzet's ghost smirks, dropping obscure hints towards future plot points.
"But, to clarify, our schemes are cheeky and fun, whereas Nicol Bolas' schemes are cruel and tragic."
"Yes, yes."
"Alright, this session of mutual dragon masturbation has been fun, but I have things to do."
"At least give me a towel to clean up. Bastard."

TEYO VERADA
"I am the first Latinx planeswalker," says Teyo. "I think toilets are magic. This is definitely not racist."
"Quick, there is a diamond-storm coming," says Teyo's teacher. "Use your geometry shield powers to triangulate the hypotenuse of the midpoint."
"X equals 43?"
"You fool. You utter buffoon. If this was a real emergency you would have been logarithmed to death. Rhombus."
"Pretty lights," says Teyo, with the restraint and caution that YA novel protagonists are known for.
"Stop, you parallelogram!" the teacher shrieks. "Convex toroid Euclidean hexagon!"
Teyo is buried alive under diamonds. This is what happens when you walk out into a diamond-storm. Fortunately, there is a spark of hope, as an ember in his heart sparks up, igniting his inner spark.
He planeswalks, is what I'm saying.

CHANDRA
Chandra sits in her mother's apartment on Kaladesh. It is rent-controlled.
The rest of the 'watch is here with her, planning an attack on Nicol Bolas. (It is called the 'watch because Chandra is hip and yeets.) Every member of 'watch is described, even though the novel already described them in a Dramatis Personae in the front, because the novel dreams of being Long Day's %$#%$#% Journey Into %$#% Night.
"I hope Gids - not Gideon, Gids, because I am cool - comes back with Liliana and his washboard abs," Chandra sighs. She misses Liliana. She also misses Nissa, but not in a lesbian way, because then we couldn't sell this game in Russia and China. "Pretty lights," she says.
"That's an obvious trap," Jace says.
Gideon arrives, with his abs but without Liliana. "Sorry I'm late," he pants, "I was distracted by the pretty lights that are an obvious trap. Let's walk into the obvious trap."
"%$#%$#% that's a hot idea," Jace says. They walk into the obvious trap.

RAL ZAREK
Ral and Kaya stand next to the obvious trap they just activated. They are surrounded by one sleeping Lavinia and much more than one corpses. One corpse is Ral's best friend. We know very much about her, because we have read the prequel stories that haven't been released yet.
Ral has been busy double-agenting against Bolas, and tried to herd the ten guilds into giving Niv-Mizzet awesomesauce power. But then Vraska turned against Ral, adding another layer of backstabbing ricotta to this delicious lasagna of betrayal.
Oh, and Niv fought Bolas and died, by the way.

LILIANA VESS
Liliana is, like, totally pissed that she's Nicol Bolas' boy toy now? And the giant pyramid-citadel that Tezzeret is making is, y'know, SO eight sets ago? Ugh, gag her with a spoon.

TEYO VERADA
Teyo flips his %$#% because he is no longer on Tatooine and there is one sun instead of two. He meets Rat. Rat is kickass and has an Artful Dodger thing going. She also does not shut up, but it is a fun kind of rambling.
She's been tailing Ral Zarek, so she knows about planeswalking, and gives Teyo his daily recommended dosage of exposition. There is some light flirting. Then there is a heavy Bolas statue.

JACE BELEREN
Everyone arrives on Ravnica. Lavinia gives Jace the snark-down he deserves for being afk since Battle for Zendikar.
She catches everyone up on what the guilds have been doing; namely, standing around with their dicks in their hands. Except the Simic, who have been standing around with their cloaca-tusk-tentacle-dicks in their hand.
Jace reveals that the Immortal Sun exists. This makes people gasp.

GIDEON JURA
"My plan is to stab the dragon with the dragon-killing sword," says Gideon.
"Yes, and," says Jace, remembering his improv classes on Bablovia, "I will use my powers as Guildpact to make it illegal for Bolas to NOT be stabbed with the dragon-killing sword."
"I am willing to die to make this happen," Gideon states. He turns and winks toward the audience. "But I don't want other people to die. Chandra, Ajani, Karn, Jaya, you stay in the Guildpact Embassy where it's safe."
A sad trombone plays as the Planar Bridge smashes into the Guildpact Embassy.

DACK FAYDEN
Dack Fayden planeswalks to a spot in Ravnica four feet off the ground. He dusts himself off and thinks about how he has no treasure and no money. In fact, he has negative money, and owes a %$#% to an Orzhov ghost.
At least his day can't get any worse from here.

CHANDRA NALAAR
Chandra is not dead. Jaya takes care of her own oxygen mask, then puts one on Chandra.
"What can I do to help?," asks Chandra, surrounded by flammable material.
"Please do literally nothing," sighs Jaya, as she helps Ajani and Karn out of the rubble.
"I'm helping," says Chandra.
"Oh God I forgot to set up childproof locks on Chandra's crib," thinks Jace, very telepathically.
"This one, defying all laws of probability, is not on me," Chandra replies telepathically and loudly.
"Huh," Jace thinks with his brain. "Well, Jaya, there's juiceboxes in the fridge, and we should be back around ten."

Triske
Posts: 4
Joined: 4 years ago
Pronoun: he / him

Post by Triske » 4 years ago

WAR OF THE SPARK: PART TWO

NICOL BOLAS
Bolas sits at the top of his citadel smugly. The first pawns have been moved. The cards have been dealt. The arguments over who's the little pewter thimble have been resolved. (It's Tibalt.) He hopes he doesn't have to stand up soon, because this scheming-boner will definitely last longer than four hours.
The Gatewatch is struggling with the logistics of the nuanced tactic that is the Leroy Jenkins, so Nicol Bolas takes the opportunity to list all the planeswalkers he is better than.
It is a long list.

JACE BELEREN
"The dragon famous for over-elaborate planning surely hasn't planned for me being the living embodiment of law and order on Ravnica, a fact known to everyone since 2013," Jace telepathically communicates to himself.
"Could you think any louder?," Nicol Bolas telepathisizes. "Oh, and your apartment that I just blew up was the source of all the law power."
"But according to the Return to Ravnica novels, the leylines of magical law power actually converge at the Maze's End. The Embassy of the Guildpact has no magical significance; it's just built on top of the ruins of my former apartment. (Also, note to self, spring for renter's insurance next time. Sensing a pattern here.)"
"Counterpoint: La la la la la I can't hear you."
"Dang, got me there."

GIDEON JURA
"Fortunately," Gideon thinks, six-packedly, "operation 'Cut Off Bolas's Massive Chin-Dick With My Sword And Feed It To Him' is a lore-agnostic solution. Oh, look, Liliana is here to help!"

LILIANA VESS
Liliana is not here to help.

KAYA
Kaya is grumpy today. All the Orzhov Syndicate's magical debt contracts mentally weigh her down. Lots of people she cared about just died, but she doesn't know who they are because the prequel novel doesn't release until June.
And now an armada of blue zombies is executing people en masse.
Kaya's resume is just the words "I KILL UNDEAD THINGS. COLLEGE GPA 2.39/4.0. REFERENCES ON REQUEST" carved into the corpse of a ghost, so this is a manageable problem.
She and Ral run into Teyo and Rat. Rat is speechless for once. But this is like meeting Beyoncé, who is opening Army of Darkness on some zombie ass, and is also president, so let's give her a pass.

RAL ZAREK
"How do you know Teyo is a planeswalker, Ral?," Kaya asks in response to a line from the last chapter I skipped over because I was having fun with the Beyoncé bit.
"Magic goggles," Ral says. "Hey, there is Jace!"
Jace is there.
Also there, and described in great detail again, are Lavinia, Chandra, Jaya, Karn, Ajani, and Gideon. Ral Zarek looks at Gideon and remembers that he is very, very gay. Ral thinks about how he would move into Gideon's apartment, clean the place while wearing a French maid outfit, and sleep on a doggy bed if Gideon asked.
Ral thinks about how he would probably move into Gideon's apartment, clean the place while wearing a French maid outfit, and sleep on a doggy bed if Gideon didn't ask.
The party's all here! Except for...

VRASKA
Vraska went to South America.
It's a tried and tested plan to dodge punishment for crimes against humanity.
She nurses an appletini while surrounded by her former pirate ship crew, including Breeches, a hyperactive pirate-goblin-monkey who loves alcohol and gambling.
Wizards, if you kill Breeches, I will burn this entire collectible card game to the ground.
She thinks about all the mistakes she's made.
There are a lot.
Oh, by the way, Vraska got all her memories back with help from a Golgari mage. Seriously. Probably one of the biggest and most emotional story beats they've set up for this finale, and not only does it happen off-screen, it's done by Crawlybug Poopsmell McRedShirt instead of the mind mage she developed a deep relationship with in one of Magic's best plotlines. This pisses me off way more than card game lore should. I want Congressional inquiries into this %$#%. Mark Rosewater should be tried in The Hague.
ANYHOO.

LILIANA VESS
Back on Ravnica, Liliana controls not only an army of zombie Eternals, but also an army of paragraphs that recap her character arc. For the teeming multitudes of players who are completely lore-illiterate but also will plop down fifteen dollars for the last chapter of that lore. She stops to punt a kitten.
"My forces are literally brainless," she declares, "and somehow they are still more coordinated than the Gatewatch. Mwa ha ha ha. Huh, I feel like a bad person right now. Why is that? It’s probably unrelated to all the murders."

TEYO VERADA
Teyo came here to kick ass and make glowy geometry shields, and he hasn't yet worked up the courage to ask anyone if they would be okay with him kicking their ass.
"Not good enough," says Teyo's teacher in Teyo's mind. This one isn't telepathy - the poor little kid is just whipped.
"Yessir."
"Stand up straight. Add another twenty-six degree to that convex angle. And for the love of Euclid, perpendicular scalene chord vertex!"
"Yessir."
Gideon turns to Teyo, golden sunlight bouncing off his perfect smile. "You don't suck too much, kiddo."
Teyo stands there, slackjawed. "Can you be my new dad and teach me to ride a bicycle and tell me where babies come from?"
"Take a number and wait in line."
Huatli, Angrath, Kiora, and Tamiyo join the giant amorphous blob of planeswalkers.

DACK FAYDEN
Dack has a small crop of Eternals hot on his ass, so he runs like he stole something.
He has experience in the subject.

YoungQuakerBoy
Posts: 10
Joined: 4 years ago
Pronoun: he / him

Post by YoungQuakerBoy » 4 years ago

Have enjoyed so far.

Triske
Posts: 4
Joined: 4 years ago
Pronoun: he / him

Post by Triske » 4 years ago

GIDEON JURA
Muscle RighteousFace fights valiantly against the Eternals with Blackblade. Blackblade whispers dark temptations to him, but Biff ProteinScoop refuses the call, because he is pure and mighty, like an untouched sheet of soft December snow atop a ShakeWeight.
Vivien Reid joins the party and starts throwing Pokéballs left and right. It's not very effective against the aerial onslaught of aven Eternals. The Parhelion II shows up. It's super effective. Hero SquareJaw horsejacks a pegasus off a dead legionnaire and rendezvouses with Aurelia in the skies.
"Nice horse," she says. "I trained it myself."
"What's its name?," Justice McPecBounce booms in a trumpet-call of a voice.
Aurelia smiles. "I named it 'Gideon's Two Days Until Retirement'."

CHANDRA NALAAR
Chandra stares in awe at the Vitu-Ghazi cathedral. "So beautiful," she whispers. "So harmonious. So combustible."
"Bad Chandra," Jaya snaps, hitting her with a rolled-up newspaper. "No immolation inside the house."
"%$#% OFF WE'RE FULL," shouts a Selesnyan centaur guard.
A zombie bird swoops down and eats his friends.
"I STILL ADVISE YOU TO %$#% OFF BUT WE DO HAVE OPENINGS."
Nissa 'walks in and animates Vitu-Ghazi. It is pleased as punch to be the Godzilla-er for once in its millennia-long life instead of the Godzilla-ee.
Chanda looks up and smiles at Nissa, turned on, but in a straight way.

RAL ZAREK
Ral tries to find Tomik, his lover, who is gay (cool!) and an Orzhov lawyer (I am indifferent!). He meets several Eternals. One well-written fight scene later, he is surrounded by delicious fried zombie. He bursts into Tomik's apartment, and finds... nobody!
Boy, howdy, this scene would be packing an emotional punch right now if we had read the prequels!
And yes, howdy, I'm going to keep harping on that in every post, because seriously Wizards what the hell!

KAYA
"I'm going to get help from the Orzhov," Kaya says. "Teyo and Rat, let's split the party."
"Sure," says Rat, because she wants to flirt with Teyo and establish who wears the pants in this relationship. (Ideally: Nobody. Most likely: Not Teyo.)
"Sure," says Teyo, because he has the free will of dryer lint.
A swarm of Eternals corners the trio in an alley, but they're rescued by some rampaging Gruul warriors, including a particularly burly man, who is probably important because he is described in detail, and Domri Rade, who-
-has an accent? An Australian accent?
Oh, and Burly is Rat's dad.

JACE BELEREN
"Undead blue zombies are pouring into Ravnica," Jace thinks, brooding so hard that he nearly wills an entire Hot Topic into existence around him. "Now is clearly the time to think about my ex - who lied to me, belittled me, abused me, used me to do her dirty work, and literally deals with demons. This is a good choice of priorities."
"I've got a tree," Nissa says without saying anything, because she is very mystical and very socially anxious. Vitu-Ghazi topples the statue of Bolas. It is the first time in ever that paper has actually beaten rock.
"Dang, we might actually win now," thinks Jace.
Bolas smiles, knowing we are only 40% into the book.
Egyptian rock music starts playing.
The four dead gods of Amonkhet strut in, each one Eternalized and each one carrying a god-sized metal folding chair.
Treefolk with saplings watching at home, you may want to cover their eyes for this next part.

TEYO VERADA
Kaya's band of plucky new characters who don't make any important decisions runs into Kiora, Samut, Saheeli, and Huatli.
"I think I'm getting used to this," Teyo says.
With a thundering thunder, the God-Eternals appear in the distance.
"Poop."
"Croikey, those are bigg'uns," Domri Rade whispers. He turns to his Gruul brigade. "Ya blokes got giant zombie crocs too?"
"What we lack in zombie gods, we make up for in not-instantly-betraying-you," Burly counter-offers.
"Goin' once, goin' twice, and my loyalty is SOLD, to the massive untrustworthy dragon," Domri laughs as he rides away, flipping everyone off.

DACK FAYDEN
Domri walks up to Bolas for what will surely be a productive meeting amongst equals.
"Top o' the mornin', donny boy, wot's all this then?" Domri shouts to Nicol Bolas' pinky toe, as Dack listens in with magical Peeping Tom magic. "Oi guv'na, I like the jut o' yer jib! Let's yous and me goes 'n' take out da competition, y'know's'm'sayin'?"
Finding these terms agreeable, Bolas (who's subcontracted this scheme so hard that he's done nothing so far but sit on his keister) sends out an Eternal to give Domri a firm businesslike handshake. But oh no! The Eternal has read one too many 1980's self-help books about navigating the cutthroat world of Japanese business, and shakes Domri's hand with such dominance that it sucks up Rade's spark and turns the boy into a planeswalker raisin.
Terribly embarrassed by this mishap, the Eternal decides the only respectable course of action is to commit ritual head-explosion-seppuku, sending the spark to Bolas, who eats it with a side of potato salad.
Domri dies as he lived: Not getting anything accomplished but still annoying as hell.

Triske
Posts: 4
Joined: 4 years ago
Pronoun: he / him

Post by Triske » 4 years ago

Nicol Bolas pulls out a small pitch pipe. He identifies the key of E flat.

If it helps, I've always imagined Nicol Bolas as voiced by Tim Curry.

🎶 This is the very model of a Bolas scheme immaculate 🎶

🎶 I've fool-proofed each and ev'ry facet down to the final cubit 🎶

🎶 There's absolutely positively not a way this plan can fail 🎶

🎶 So now I will describe it to the audience in great detail. 🎶

🎶 Baan's using the Immortal Sun to trap all those who have a spark 🎶

🎶 Whilst from my Egyptian sandbox the Eternals do now embark 🎶

🎶 Across the Planar Bridge, embodied by Tezzeret, my head grunt 🎶

🎶 Then they'll steal sparks under orders of Vess, who is an utter ...ly vital part of this plot.

🎶And then all in the Multiverse will recognize as their better 🎶

🎶 Mighty GOD-EMPEROR BOLAS (without a lower-case letter) 🎶

🎶 No single stone's been left unturn'd, my knowledge, it is accurate 🎶

🎶 This is the very model of a Bolas scheme immaculate. 🎶

KAYA

"We need a plan," Jace mind-yodels to all of the other planeswalkers. "Would every planeswalker in existence mind congregating in one spot for a few minutes?"

"lol no not falling for that %$#% again," they reply.

Some redshirts play a friendly schoolyard game of hide-and-go-seek with the Eternals and lose horribly.

"It'll be catered," Jace adds.

The other 'walkers mull over whether they prefer certain death or near-certain death with lunch.

"There better be sandwiches. Good ones. With the little toothpicks and everything. If it's Subway crap we walk."

JACE BELEREN

Jace hides behind a tree.

(Don't worry! I'm being facetious. The hero who took an oath to protect the Multiverse doesn't hide behind a tree.)

(It's a pillar.)

RAL ZAREK

"Well, most of the guilds still aren't interested in Operation Do-The-Thing-That-Got-Niv-Mizzet-Killed-Again," Ral Zarek says, recappingly. "Any luck with the Orzhov, Kaya?"

"Surprisingly, yes," she smirks. "I taught them a little Macroeconomics 101. Specifically, the conditions under which a strong central bank thrives. Even more specifically, when not being craterized by a dragon-god-%$#%$#."

GIDEON JURA

"I'm racist against sphinxes," Jace grumbles while standing over Hobby Lobby model no. 3332282-GC, the Extremely Surprised Sphinx Stone Patio Statue.

"Sweet Heliod there's a lot to unpack there," says Gideon, in between mouthfuls of protein powder on rye.

All of the planeswalkers are there. Half of them leave immediately, having fulfilled their contractual obligation to be name-checked at least once in the novel.

"I have a doggy!" Jiang Yanggu squeaks.

"That goes against everything we know about planeswalking," Delt TrapSquat sighs.

"Squirming mortal, you dare claim to understand the forces that hold sway here? There is but one power governing this world, one God, and His name is MARKETABILITY. He has bestowed blessings upon my familiar, who He will use as His tendrils to latch onto a greater realm, beyond even this multiverse. First there will be Mowu playmats. Then Mowu sleeves, and deckboxes, and plushies, as more and more people sacrifice their paychecks to the false deity of consumerism. Next Mowu kigurumi. Mowu chain restaurants. Mowu water bottles. Mowu houses. Mowu banks. Mowu-brand slaves. Mowu-brand air. The Mowu lifestyle will eat people alive, starting from the feet and ending with their hollow, rictus-smiles. Earth will burn, and the ashes will be trademarked by Wizards of the Coast."

"Come again?"

"Uh, my puppy likes belly scritches!"

"...Okay. We need a leader and a plan," Grip IronPump says, turning to face the collection of planeswalkers. "I volunteer to lead, because I smell of fresh aftershave and am the most cunning tactician here."

"I beat you unconscious with a puddle," Ob Nixilis sneers.

"That one doesn't count, my plot armor was in the shop that week. No objections? Coo."

"I'll be the plan," Jace calls out as he steps in front of Rep CurlGlute. "Friends and nameless Eternal fodder, we're gathered here to bring down the most fiendish, cunning evil in the multiverse: Sphinxes, damn them all to hell."

"Bolas," Ajani whispers.

"Sphinxes, damn them all to Bolas," Jace quickly recovers. "And to take care of Bolas, we've got to deal with five different problems. One, shut down the beacon still luring planeswalkers to Ravnica. All the named planeswalkers are already here, so that isn't a major concern. One person can easily take care of it in two paragraphs."

"On it," Ral chimes in. "But I'm the cleverest engineer in the multiverse, and designed it to be tamper-proof and unbreakable."

"So maybe three paragraphs, tops. Two, the Immortal Sun."

Chandra's hand shoots up. "I THINK WE SHOULD-"

"Please don't say 'I think we should hit it with fire,'" Perfect Schwarzenegger snaps. He thinks about when Chandra rescued a cat stuck in a tree until it was medium well.

"First off, rude much? Second, Jaya trained me to be more restrained & stuff and broaden my skill set, so now I'm not just a dumb impulsive firebug!"

"Wow, Chandra, I've underestimated you. What do you suggest?"

"I was gonna say we should hit it with a kiloton assload of-"

"THREE," Jace course-corrects, "we need someone to shut down the Planar Bridge, by going through the portal all the zombies are coming from."

"That's a suicide mission," Jaya points out.

"And how! We have planeswalkers to spare, so we'll just sacrifice three with the combined personality of an Ikea nightstand. But that's not my problem, because I'm calling dibs on four, Liliana Vess, leaving last but not least five, Bolas."

"Six, save every single civilian," Bench ThickBar adds, knowing a chance to flex his martyr complex when he sees one.

"Seven, bring Niv-Mizzet back to life," Ral interjects.

"Eight, stop the God-Eternals coming this way t' march up yous guyses' sphincters," an Izzet goblin finishes.

"Six problems!" Jace announces. "Let's do this!"

Half-hearted applause from the small contingent of cricket planeswalkers.

"Let's do this!" TruthJustice P90XFace beams.

The crowd goes apeshit. Men whoop and holler. Women faint. Children wave brightly colored handkerchiefs. An eighteen-piece brass band plays the American national anthem, My Humps.

"And that," Gideon says, affectionately patting Jace on the head while not hiding behind a pillar, "is how you protagonist."

User avatar
SquirrelToken
Posts: 219
Joined: 4 years ago
Pronoun: Unlisted
Location: Kjeldor

Post by SquirrelToken » 4 years ago

This continues to be brilliant.

TearsOfTomorrow
Posts: 107
Joined: 4 years ago
Pronoun: Unlisted

Post by TearsOfTomorrow » 4 years ago

You had me at "Gideon thinks six-packedly".

User avatar
Dusk
Dimir Mindmage
Posts: 394
Joined: 4 years ago
Pronoun: Unlisted
Location: Duskmantle

Post by Dusk » 4 years ago

now I want a Mowu plush
That shadowy wisp at the edge of your vision, there and gone before you notice.
Formerly Dusk707 on MtGSalvation

User avatar
benjameenbear
Posts: 1112
Joined: 4 years ago
Pronoun: he / him

Post by benjameenbear » 4 years ago

ROFL. This is awesome.

User avatar
benjameenbear
Posts: 1112
Joined: 4 years ago
Pronoun: he / him

Post by benjameenbear » 4 years ago

[mention]Triske[/mention]
Any update here?

Post Reply Previous topicNext topic

Return to “Magic Humor”